Tuesday, May 13, 2008

An Open Letter to People Magazine

Dear Editors, Editor-in-Chief and Publisher of People Magazine:
I have finished flipping through your current "100 Most Beautiful People in the World" Issue and found myself completely disheartened for several reasons.
Firstly, you have expanded beyond your old tried and true format of "The 50 Most Beautiful People in the World". Why so many more people? Are we more beautiful as a society? Why add 50 more people? That's like supersizing without even asking people, quality is always better than quantity.
Secondly, where are you coming up with this new expanded list? Most of the names have appeared multiple times before, and many are getting sort of redundant. Yes, we get it, Brad Pitt may possibly be a good-looking dude. That may be a given. Ditto for Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry, Tom Cruise, Matthew Mccounghey, Mel Gibson, George Clooney, Julia Robert, Angelina Jolie, Matt Damon...etc. The list goes on and on. Maybe you could try spicing it up with some new People...from around the world. How novel! As it stands now, you have shown the 100 Most Beautiful People in the American Entertainment Industry. You used to include more people, always a few outside the box. Now, you play it really, really safe. I mean, come on, what is a Most Beautiful list without Prince William! You have trapped yourself into really lazy borders and it's hurting the list overall. Find some great-looking people outside the "biz", they are there, believe me; it's a big world.
Thirdly, your new additions to the list are highly suspect. Miley Cyrus? Are you kidding us? She might be an incredibly popular, marketing, bizarrely money-making teen but she is no beauty. Leave her on the cover of your "Richest Kids" issue and let it go. She looks like the sort of girl you see as a friend of your younger sibling. Just average. She may be cute, but she's no stunner and belongs nowhere on your list. Again, think outside the tiny box you have contained youself in.
Fourthly, what happened to actually writing an article about the people you profile in the magazine. I guess, because you now have 50 more beautiful people it is difficult to write that many stories but perhaps your writers could do a little more legwork than a couple quick sentences. In the past, when you worked hard at your list, there were blurbs and paragraphs on everyone, and they contained some ego-inflating quotes from friend, lovers and costars. That is no more and it really is a shame. The entire magazine industry has changed and I for one do not like it. Where has the text gone? It has been replaced by easy to read text boxes that summerize the article in a few words. Weak. We as a society should become more literate not less. Magazines have become little more than picture books you can give any three-year old. You cannot compact great writing into three sentances, you need more to have a great story. By adding more pictures, you. People Magazine are singlehandedly dumbing America down. Congrats. You even added a heavily airbrushed "Without Makeup" section. For shame. Don't even get me started on the Sexiest Man issue! Where is the Sexiest Woman issue?
Finally, once again I was totally ignored and wrongly left off the list. A grevious error I hope to see corrected in next year's issue....Please?
Thank you for your time!

NOUNS I INTENSELY DISLIKE THIS WEEK (because hate is such a strong word...)

1) Eli Manning - I get it, you won the Superbowl, congrats, but did you really have to go to Disneyland for a photo op? Aren't we past this? You didn't even really deserve to win the game, really, really did not. You'll continue to remain at the top of my list Eli, just because.
2) People who carry vendetta's against spoiled celebrities they have not, nor will ever meet.
3) The Detroit Red Wings and San Antonio Spurs - Why are these two franchises still winning? Apparently deals they made with Satan have yet to expire.
4) The Canucks slow handling of the Allain Vingeaut situation - Give him the cash or cut him loose! And for crying out loud stick Trevor Linden in a cushy front office post already, the guy deserves it. And let's get an offensive coach: Is Pat Quinn available?
5) The Braves road record...yikes.
6) Miley Cyrus - Can someone please explain what I am missing here? How does someone with no talent have so much cash and so much clout?


1) Maui - Most beautiful spot in the world, hands down.
2) Pittsburgh Penguins - Nice to see a franchise right itself through smart drafting and a little luck. This is a team to watch for the next few years if they can keep that nucleas together. Are you paying attention Mike Gillis?
3) BOOK(S) of the Week - Heated contest, actually read 4 books on vacation this week, the standouts:
a) NEXT by Michael Crichton - A page turner for sure, funny and terrifying. We have turned a very twisty scientific corridor here people.
b) CALIFORNIA GIRL by T. Jefferson Parker - Great story, strong characters and epic in scope, nice twist at the end. Everything a good mystery should be. Deft portrayl of California in the 60's. Edgar Award winner and a stunningly good mystery.
5) Starbucks in the USA - Better than in Canada...no explaination.
6) BBQ's - Summer will soon be upon us. Come on climate change and be good for something for once and do us a favor weather wise. A nice long, hot summer would be brilliant.